If Santa Were An Influencer

I promise you won’t even notice I’m here, it will be like I’m a ghost. — Heyyyyyy! Greenview Plaza! It’s been so long. How’ve you been, man? Still at E. River Road and South Avenue I see! I hope this isn’t too frightening of an ask, but I was wondering if I’d be able to crash at your guys’ open storefront for a bit? I got…

The Morning Bummer delivers tragic news right to your inbox every morning at 5 a.m.! — Hey friend! We know there’s a lot of bad things happening right now and it’s hard to keep up with everything tragic going on. That’s why the soulless researchers at The Morning Bummer doom scroll the news so you don’t have to. Yas queen, every morning at 5 a.m. before…

Hear me out, please? — Vincent Wilhelm Van Gogh, you should be ashamed of yourself. All I have to say is: ouch. I know you’ve been pretty frustrated. Or annoyed? I don’t know, like art itself, it’s all subjective. But the fact you went to the lengths you did after I just tried to help…

I’ve been sobbing in my dressing room over this for hours. Look at me, I’m a professional god dammit and I’m a mess of ash in grass here. To feel your art, your performance, your livelihood isn’t enough for people to pay attention to feels like the ultimate failure. You…

Look at you, you’ve got somewhere to go but there’s something stopping you from entering this exclusive website. And you need your wingman, your old trusty friend. The password. But I have bad news, I’m not the password I was and our journey together might end today. …

Hey big boy, are your hazard lights on, or are you just happy to see me? — Oh hey there, hot stuff. You thought you may have just had the ride of your life, but you ain’t seen nothing yet. Heck, you may have very well had another woman’s voice just guide you to me. Just when you thought your destination was going to have a large…

Those were the good old days. — Kids nowadays…say, I keep hearing about “rapid test this” and “at-home test that,” and let me tell you, the kids these days don’t know how lucky they have it, wasting their best years of youth in a worldwide pandemic, too! Before you kids had all your vaccines and your at-home…

Justin Trudeau, ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶M̶i̶n̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ President of Canada Since his election in November 2015, President Trudeau has remained true to his values of being a nice, caring guy if you forget the multiple times he’s donned blackface. …

And I’m not loving how much this has raised my electric bill, either. — Please take a seat on one of our uncomfortable wooden benches here, we need to have a chat. You know, I was really excited to see you today. I was really, really looking forward to our visit. I enjoy pretending to sleep and do nothing for the 15 minutes you…