From Pfizer comes the product everybody is calling “Unfair!”

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Hey you! Are you sick and tired of sitting at home, safe and sound in your gated mansion? Frustrated with waiting in a hypothetical line voted on by the CDC that allows “other people” who most likely studied at Phoenix University to get things before you? Are you ready to get back to yelling at the Le Chateaubriand waitress, but this time, mask-less? What if we told you that you could SKIP that line, and get the COVID-19 vaccine before all of the people who truly need it? From Pfizer comes the product everybody is calling “Unfair!” …

Santa walked into the same showroom where all of his clients get the best holiday deals, at the Honda dealership in Green Bay, Wisconsin to find a brand new sleigh for the gift drop-off this year. The second St. Nick arrived at the dealership and hopped off his Ruber, Rudolph’s new reindeer-hailing start-up, he was greeted by Will, the car salesman.

“Is that who I think it is?” yelled Will, the overweight man that smelled of Marlboro, getting right in Santa’s face. “The jolly old fat man? Father Christmas himself, at my dealership?”

“Father Christmas is my father’s name, call…

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Thinking about kissing your mother on the mouth.

Thanksgiving Stage Notes, 2020. A hand-written list of stage notes/directions from an Uncle Ray, approximated to have been written several weeks before Thanksgiving 2020. This artifact was found in the back jeans pocket of Raymond Elias, better known as racist Uncle Ray, whom the family only saw around the holidays. Museum curators translated the nearly illegible, sloppy Joe-stained notebook paper below:

  • Double park your car so cousins can’t back out of the driveway before 11 p.m.
  • Enter house through driveway after ding dong ditching
  • Introduce self by screaming “Remember me, your Uncle Ray?!” …

America’s most trusted doctor gives his expert opinion on the nation’s most asked question.

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How does it all fit? Where does it all go? And why? These are just a few of the mind-boggling questions Americans must face on a daily basis.

We are in unprecedented times. As concern for where, why, and how all that ass can fit in them jeans grows across the nation and the world, I was asked to address you all tonight to speak on behalf of the scientific community. And I want to be frank with you: this is a subject matter I just can’t wrap my hands — pardon me, my head around. In all my years as a scientist and medical professional, I have never seen anything with the breadth…

There’s a new Girl Dad in town.

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Greg in his formal wear. The pants make all the difference!

“Girl Dads” are getting a lot of attention these days. It’s a new wave of dads who are embracing the more nurturing side of fatherhood. And while I know everyone thinks their dad is the coolest, my stepdad Greg is probably the most badass person I know. Check out these stats: He’s strong enough to punch a hole in the drywall when he loses at Grand Theft Auto. He’s a big history buff, and even named his 1999 Saturn after the “Queen of Porn,” Jenna Jameson. And the only thing he can actually…

Interviewer: Hello everybody! I’m Brian Winters, and today I’m so lucky to have the two Cupids in the studio today. So Cupid, how did you feel when you first heard there was a singer from Louisiana who shared your name with a song that was captivating the nation with easy to do choreography?

Cupid (The Baby): Well, you know when I first heard this crooner was using my name for profit back in 2007, I was ready to use my plastic toy phone and call up my lawyers to give this fool a cease and desist letter.

Cupid (The Singer)…

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at

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