Back In My Day, I Had to Walk 5 Miles Uphill In The Snow To Get COVID Tested When The Nurse Did It For You
Those were the good old days.
Kids nowadays…say, I keep hearing about “rapid test this” and “at-home test that,” and let me tell you, the kids these days don’t know how lucky they have it, wasting their best years of youth in a worldwide pandemic, too! Before you kids had all your vaccines and your at-home rapid tests and your Wordles and what have you, we got our COVID tests the old-fashioned way: from a REAL person working a REAL job! Those people were as essential as essential gets, and we went from applauding that group of essentials, banging pots and pans out the window to yelling at them for forgetting my fries! At least, that’s what I’m doing. The problem is, these first-time COVID-getters don’t know the strength and resilience it took to go out and get a COVID test early on, when you were the only person who caught it at your local bar during those first two weeks when people were actually staying home after St. Paddy’s Day. And back in my day, I had to travel 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get my COVID-19 test.
March 2020 was a different time, a more pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps time where a man had to walk on his own two legs to get himself what he wanted–or in my case, drive 10 minutes to the CVS in my car that has four-wheel drive. We couldn’t be soft pansies back then, either. The tester would jam that Q-tip so far up my snout I thought she was going to puncture the last brain cell I had that I used to post fake news online. When that woman shoved that Q-tip up, I remember starting to tear up as soon as it hit my nasal cavity. But then I stopped myself and wiped my tears up with my underwear that I was using as a makeshift mask–I remembered my father saying loud and clear, “Jim, I don’t want you to ever allow a woman to see you cry, be a man and rub some dirt on it!” Back when men were men, and COVID tests were real COVID tests, and didn’t yield misleading results…
And you should be gosh-darned happy you get the opportunity to do your own COVID test! You should be jumping for joy, as this seems to be the last thing that your generation of COVID-getters can even do on their own besides make a botched batch of sourdough. As my grandfather always told me, “If you give a man an in-person COVID test, you’ll see the longest nose hair east of the Mississippi. If you teach a man to COVID test himself, your county will run an article in your local paper reporting how many people were admitted to the ER that weekend with a Q-tip stuck up their bunghole.” Wise words from a man who didn’t understand how analogies worked! The way my grandfather would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what quarantine was like now! All this GrubHub and GoPuff and GoHuff and GoSnuff…back then, the only two-syllable savior I knew was Jesus Christ, and he wiped down his groceries!
Nowadays, you kids have it so good getting these at-home rapid tests mailed to you by Sleepy Joe. Our commander-in-sleep! Next thing you know, these kids are going to expect the government to always be giving them free rapid at-home tests. Since when is a government responsible for the public health of its people? I’m sorry but if you want to find out whether you have a dangerous, ever-evolving airborne illness, you’re going to have to sack up and head to the nearest testing site that’s completely understaffed. Maybe that five mile walk will teach you what it’s like to be gritty. But hey, at least you don’t have to walk barefoot in the snow to get your test, we didn’t wear shoes back then because we were afraid of catching COVID toe! If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll even find a reliable testing center that isn’t committing insurance fraud like the one my cousin Burt runs. Plus, this old way of the early COVID testing era can teach you a little bit of patience that you’re probably already used to. You used that patience to film your little Tok-Tik dance with your crop top out anyway. A little adversity boosts your immune system.
Well, I’m really disappointed in this generation. Sure, they’ve gotten COVID a few times already and are now at risk of chronic medical issues, but it seems like they were also infected with a sense of total entitlement. Back in March 2020, there were no handouts. I punched an entire family for the last roll of toilet paper in a Walmart and have been avoiding an arrest warrant ever since. What’s next? Sleepy Joe going to send you free toilet paper too? Good luck with that and whatever variant comes next! I’ll see you at the testing site 5 miles away when you use up your four tests.
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