Exclusive Interview with Soulja Boy, the Rapper, and a U.S. Soldier

Interviewer: Hello everybody! I’m Brian Winters, and today we’re very lucky to have two American heroes in the studio today: Soulja Boy, a worldwide superstar whose albums I have owned and cherished for years, and Kurt, a U.S. soldier who recently came back from Iraq. Firstly, men, after all you’ve done for our country, I want to thank you for your service.

Soldier: It’s a pleasure to be here.

Soulja Boy begins visibly talking, but his microphone is muted and the audience can’t hear him.

Interviewer: Soulja Boy, hold that thought. Our studio audience can’t hear you, it seems like your mike has gone out. Sound people? Heath? Can you CRANK DAT?

Soulja Boy’s hit song “Crank Dat” starts blasting through the studio, and the audience goes absolutely wild. Everyone is on their feet, Brian Winters and Soulja Boy start doing the dance, while the U.S. soldier remains in his seat awkwardly bobbing his head. After a few verses, the music phases out and everyone sits down again.

Interviewer: Well, I can tell you one thing, Soulja, that dance sure makes me sweat! That was a lot of fun, wasn’t it studio audience?

The audience begins screaming again.

Interviewer: Soulja, thank you so much for that.

Soulja Boy: Yo, it’s what I was called to do, it’s my gift to the people.

Interviewer: Absolutely, 100% with you on that. Now, Soulja, first and foremost, I think everyone in this room would be willing to lay down their life to know: do you, or do you not get discounts at Applebee’s?

Soulja Boy: Unfortunately, I haven’t been receiving discounts since 2008.

Interviewer: Now that is an absolute travesty. I think we can all agree?

Soldier: If I could interject, briefly —

Interviewer: Please, U.S. soldier.

Soldier: I have to admit, the discounts do get old after awhile, in the grand scheme of thi —

Soulja Boy: I don’t believe dat for a second.

Interviewer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, soldiers! We don’t want two opposing sides to start shooting at each other now, do we? Let’s move on before this turns to World War III, if you know what I mean!

Soulja Boy: I agree.

Interviewer: Ah, here’s something you can both bond over. You’re both criminals, explain?

Soldier: I was just doing my duty!

Soulja Boy: Your duty?

Soldier: That’s right.

Soulja Boy: Is your “duty,” as you say, to invade a country where you’ve been misled that there’s Weapons of Mass Destruction there, but it was really to get more oil and maintain the imperialist reputation of being the “world’s police”?

Soldier: Didn’t you keep a woman hostage, like Osama Bin Laden?

Soulja Boy: I plead the fifth.

Interviewer: Speaking of our good friend Osama…Soulja Boy, over the years you’ve collaborated with some of the greatest artists of our time like Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, and Sean Kingston. But one person you unfortunately never got to share the booth with was Osama Bin Laden himself. Do you wish you were able to get a feature from Bin Laden?

Soulja Boy: Man, it was a dream to spit rhymes with Osama. Just the way he held the microphone in those cave videos threatening America, you just knew he had something special.

Interviewer: Soulja, did you ever try to get a hold of him before his passing?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, but he was really hard to track down. The soldier knows what I mean. Caves don’t have great reception.

Soldier: I hear you loud and clear on that one, man.

Interviewer: Now, Soulja — can I call you Soulja? Something that has always plagued my mind, something that I’ve tossed and turned at night over, is….when exactly does a Soulja Boy become a Soulja Man?

Soulja Boy: That’s simple. When he’s able to recognize a phat ass from a donk.

Interviewer: And for you, a donk represents —

Soulja Boy (and Brian Winters mouthing the words): — the very foundation and bedrock of femalehood.

Interviewer: Man, I’m crying here a bit. Pure poetry. And, for you, U.S. soldier?

Soldier: My name is Kurt, you don’t have to keep addressing me “U.S. soldier.” For me, a soldier boy becomes a soldier man when he gets his first kill.

Soulja Boy: Are YOUUUUUU serious, dude?

Interviewer: He’s serious, indeed, Soulja. And U.S. sold — Kurt…your definition between boy and man has absolutely nothing to do with the presence or absence of a donk, is that right?

Soldier: That’s correct.

Interviewer: I see….yeah. Ummm, moving on. A lot of work goes into being a washed up rapper and a combat soldier. What was soldier and soulja training like for both of you, respectively?

Soldier: Honestly Brian, training was hell. Imagine going to a foreign place like I did in Nebraska for base camp. I shudder just thinking about those 4 a.m. wakeups from my sergeant to go on our runs.

Soulja Boy: His training was intense, but I’d argue mine was just as hard. I, too, had to wake up, you know? Except I had to turn my swag on. Some days, Brian, I didn’t want to turn my swag on, but that’s never an option for me.

Interviewer: And you both had to face the man in the mirror, yourself, during those early mornings. How did you psych yourself up every day?

Soldier: You’re not just doing this for you, you’re doing it for the country and to protect millions of others.

Soulja Boy: For me, it’s simple. I say what’s up.

Interviewer: 🎵Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 🎵

Soulja Boy: Nice.

Interviewer: Anywho, so U.S. soldier, I’m told you have a wife and four kids at home. Do you ever want to kiss your family “thru the phone”?

Soldier: Absolutely, Soulja Boy’s music really resonated with the U.S. military with how much we missed our families. I have the number memorized like every other American, 678–999–8212.

Interviewer: That’s so sweet.

Soldier: There’s not a technology that allows people to kiss each other through the phone, but man I love being able to pin the tail on the donkey with drones.

Interviewer: Alright, so we’re going to end on a war crime! Thank you both for your years of service to your country. I salute you both.

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.