I Was In One Successful Film Franchise 15 Years Ago, So It’s Time I Launched An Overpriced Alcohol Brand
I was extremely involved in every step of the process, or at least the last step where they took my picture while holding the bottle for the ad.
Good morning from my 12 bedroom-mansion in Beverly Hills! It’s your favorite 2000s Hollywood heartthrob! I’ve been under the radar for a while, I know. But now, in a time where people are poorer than ever, is the perfect time to launch my overpriced, bad-tasting spirit that comes in a really sleek, quirky bottle. Why now? Because I’m extremely passionate about the alcohol-making process and not just looking for a cash grab because I’m losing name recognition and money from not having worked in 10 years. So let me tell you a little about what makes Williams Western Thrill the premier drinking experience.
I truly believe that my role as the goofy, yet charming, yet relatable, yet incredibly unmemorable average Joe I played 15 years ago has prepared me to enter the already over-saturated-by-celebrities spirit market. Just like I transformed into a down-on-his-luck businessman in your favorite 2007 rom-com, I can transform wheat into alcohol. Or, whatever alcohol is made of. And I wouldn’t actually be the one transforming it, but I’d hire people to do it and then slap my name on it. Know this entire venture was a really personal one and I was extremely involved in every step of the process, or at least the last step where they took my picture of me holding the bottle for the ad.
You may find this next project of mine a little surprising, but if you look at my fellow thespians’ careers, you’ll find we share a lot in common. The actor’s life cycle, if you will. First, we decide we want to be an actor. Check. Then, we “struggle” briefly before being picked up by a studio because we’re already really good-looking and/or because we have a relative who has connections to the industry. Check. Then, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, I get my first role and I’m catapulted into fame! I enjoy my wealth, eventually get married, have an affair with a PA, stay married for publicity, have a couple kids who hate me, and by God, it’s been 10 years since my last film. Naturally, the next step in this whole artist’s lifestyle is to launch a luxury spirit that’s extremely different from any other liquor you’ve had before, except for all of them. Or at least, that’s what I’m sure they would have taught us in acting school if I would have gone!
I’d say if my new gin, I mean, tequila is any good, but I haven’t had a sip of it. I’m not tasting that garbage because I’m on a cleanse to lose an obscene amount of weight for my big comeback where I play an emaciated veteran pro football player. I just booked the role with a director that’s been Me Too’d. Not the one you’re thinking of, but the other one.
But this spirit brand isn’t for me. It’s for you all, the fans. Here’s the thing, I’m not willing to stoop down just because other celebrities are doing it. I’m washed up, but I’m not “wish your boss a happy birthday on Cameo’’ washed up. I have standards, just not for tequila quality. And this isn’t the only thing I’m getting into. I’m looking into other ventures that service you plebeians, too. Like banking apps, fast food restaurants, even a dating app to connect with and get ghosted by other fans who love me.
As a beloved celebrity, people trust my opinion. Why? Because I’m gorgeous and people want to have sex with me. So if I want to charge $60 for a 15 oz. tequila bottle that was made with my urine, you’ll pour yourselves a glass of it. I don’t need to be a brewmaster or play one on TV to convince you to drink my tequila. In fact, before telling you about all of this, I recently learned how to spell tequila correctly. What is the letter ‘q’ doing there anyway? We’re living in an era of rampant misinformation online and I take it as my personal responsibility to stand up and monetize it.
If it hasn’t been clear by now, I’m not launching this thing to get the whole nation drunk. I’m doing it because my trophy case has been getting dusty since I won that Kids’ Choice Award. I’ve been wanting to blast that stupid orange blimp off the mantle ever since I found out they’ve announced a Best New Spirit By a Celebrity category at the Oscars. You’re going down Ryan Reynolds.
