Other Great Presidents That Have Yet to Be Honored On President’s Day

  1. Justin Trudeau, ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶M̶i̶n̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ President of Canada

Since his election in November 2015, President Trudeau has remained true to his values of being a nice, caring guy if you forget the multiple times he’s donned blackface. Also, he speaks French, just like the hot guy from Emily in Paris, so we think it’s time to look past every bad thing he’s ever done because the leader of Canada is a total hunk.

2. Timmy Nolan, 7th Grade Student Council President at John F. Kennedy Middle School

After Nolan won the popular vote in the fall 2021 election against hated incumbent Billy Hamm, many 12-year-olds at JFK Middle School were afraid that Nolan would abuse his power in a similar fashion. With the severe damage of Hamm’s botched little kid school dance themes and lame, educational assembly topics still lingering, Timmy ushered in a new era. He’s spent the entirety of his budget on chocolate milk for himself, and is currently preparing to campaign to move the free lunch program budget to funds for decked-out LED lights and speakers for the cool kids table.

3. Nick “Claw Master” Michelson, Delta Sigma Phi, Alpha Beta Chapter President, 2021–2022

Running on a promise of ‘No Fatties,’ President Michelson won over his constituents in the fraternity. So far under Michelson, the fraternity has only killed 3 pledges as opposed to the 10 the previous administration set. Michelson has stated that due to their status of being an all-white fraternity with rich parents, no one will face jail time for any crimes under his reign.

4. Barbara Curtis, District 146 Parent Teacher Association President

While Barbara, or “Babs” as she’s called by fellow PTA members, was initially elected because of the tastiness of her jello casserole, she has been making waves on everything the PTA touches. Her first order of business was repealing the “no peanut butter cookies at bake sales” decree that prevented most (but not all) epipen situations for allergic students. Babs’ belief that “survival of the fittest” should be introduced earlier in the school system related to many parents on the PTA who already have Trump 2024 signs in their yards. Most recently, Madam President successfully campaigned against the introduction of critical race theory in schools.

5. Dolores Hershings, Clearview Nursing Home Activities President

President Hershings rose to the presidency after a 3-day term as Vice President due to former President Beatrice Carney passing away due to food poisoning from the nursing home’s jello. The Hershings Administration has already made sweeping changes to the home with mandatory bingo nights and a permanent increase in the common room’s television volume to 68 so she can properly hear Fox News.

6. Christopher Jackson, George Washington actor in the first run of Hamilton on Broadway

While Jackson was only technically president for the 2 hours and 40 minutes run time each night, he was able to accomplish a lot during his brief, 89-show stint in office. He performed beautifully, and demonstrated himself as a great musician, which no U.S. President since Bill Clinton and his sax can claim. While none of the laws he passed or battle decisions he made affected us living here in 2022, at the end of the day, it’s the thought and meaningless words that count.

7. Twitter user with the handle @RealJoeBiden22

Although many believe to be a Russian bot, the Twitter user who commonly retweets porn accounts and Qanon conspiracies is considered by the 50 people who follow them to be the legitimate President of the United States due to having the word ‘real’ in its handle. Because Twitter refuses to take action on this account’s inflammatory Twitter presence, we have to assume he’s the real deal.

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.