Please Visit Our Small Indiana Town For Your College Spring Break
Dance the night away to John Mellencamp’s best hits at our only bar in town.
Hey college kids! I’m Chris Calhoun, mayor of Sadtown, Indiana. City of Miami Beach told you not to come down for Spring Break? Come to Sadtown instead! Home of the 6th most popular Chili Cook Off in the state and the Sadtown, Indiana History Museum, we are the destination for Spring Break 2024. So throw out your swimsuits and pack your lightweight winter coat since Sadtown still gets a little nippy in March, because things are about to get crazy.
”Night Life” is Sadtown’s middle name! Our town offers numerous places to get absolutely shwasty and turnt. Pre-game by pouring straight liquor into a slushie at the local 7-Eleven, and get hit on by the 56-year-old gas station attendant. Dance the night away to John Mellencamp’s best hits at our one bar and watch Gus, our regular, get into another fight over pool with the guy who slept with his wife ten years ago. Pass out after drinking vodka from an Ice Mountain bottle in our miles and miles of corn fields. The fun doesn’t stop! Looking for a more “clubbing” experience? Look no further than our Walmart! Buy drugs from a 15-year-old in our parking lot and get ready to grind on a woman whose entire ass is out of her jean shorts with a “God is Real” tramp stamp in the greeting card aisle. You won’t be missing the Miami clubs when you’re partying until the Walmart closes at 11 pm!
I know you hit up Miami Spring Break for its gorgeous beaches but if a place has sand and water like our man-made lake that’s more mud than water, well grab your swim trunks because that’s a beach! We’ve staffed up our beach with the most average looking coeds we could find to bring up the town’s sexual appeal. You might recognize Ricky, the 17-year-old Panera cashier. He’s pretty handsome, isn’t he? Get yourself a bread bowl and a boyfriend, ladies! I know you kids love a good thirst trap for your dating profiles, so let Sadtown help you on the trap part. Get trapped on our beach full of sharp glass all while quenching your thirst from our brown colored water. But we won’t leave you without a souvenir! When you bring any missing person’s washed-up remains, Sadtown PD will give you a $10 gift card to Wendy’s!
When you think of Miami culture, you think night clubs, incredible Cuban food, and Pitbull. But you know what the 305 doesn’t have? A big old windmill in an empty field. The townies here call it Windy Mindy, and people tend to stop to see it because people’s cars normally break down right by it. If you didn’t get a photo with Mindy, did you really spring break in Sadtown? No you didn’t! Our culture is rich with tradition. It doesn’t matter where you come from, who you love, or what color skin you have, if you come to Sadtown, you’ll be greeted with a “get off my lawn.” It’s how we say hello here and we wouldn’t trade it for the world because we are ranked the worst city to trade with–three years in a row and counting! Don’t even get me started on the food. Ignore everything you read on Yelp because we have real stuff you can’t find anywhere else. Yep…we got a Denny’s and we’re proud to be the only Denny’s location in the world that closes at 7 p.m. We also got a Chick-fil-A but what makes the employees special from the rest of their locations is they’re actually really mean. See? Who needs margaritas when you have fried chicken with a side of rudeness. Make sure to study our language and culture on Duolingo!
We know that during your #sprangbreak2024 in Sadtown, you’re going to want to take advantage of everything our township has to offer–which is why we provide seamless travel to connect you to everything! Start your spring break at the Sadtown County Airport, the smallest airport you will ever see that will cost you 500x more to fly into and has one food place–Auntie Anne’s, but no one is ever behind the counter. You can also fly into our nearest major city’s airport that’s a short 3 hour drive away. No car? No problem! Hop on a Greyhound, make friends with the Amish. Then be dropped off 12 miles from your home base during your trip–a 1 star Motel 6 in the heart of our downtown (which includes the town hall, the better Burger King, and a debunked Blockbuster). Or, call and wait an hour and a half to be picked up by our only Uber in town, Jared! Want a little adventure with your travel? Hitch yourself on the back of one of our freight trains carrying explosive chemicals, and then tuck and roll whenever you want to get off! Wherever you’re going, from Sadtown’s better IHOP to the Home Depot, you’re sure to zip around town with ease.
So what are you waiting for? Skip your midterms already, get the group chat together IRL, put a deposit down using your dad’s credit card and book your trip to Sadtown, Indiana. If you love it so much, we are proud to welcome all transfer students to Sadtown Community College. None of your credits will transfer over, but who doesn’t want a fresh start? We can’t wait to welcome you with open arms and give you the longest, most uncomfortable hug. Sadtown can’t wait to kick off SPRING BREAK 2024!
