Santa Visits The Happy Honda Days Sales Event
Santa walked into the same showroom where all of his clients get the best holiday deals, at the Honda dealership in Green Bay, Wisconsin to find a brand new sleigh for the gift drop-off this year. The second St. Nick arrived at the dealership and hopped off his Ruber, Rudolph’s new reindeer-hailing start-up, he was greeted by Will, the car salesman.
“Is that who I think it is?” yelled Will, the overweight man that smelled of Marlboro, getting right in Santa’s face. “The jolly old fat man? Father Christmas himself, at my dealership?”
“Father Christmas is my father’s name, call me Santa!” said Santa in a friendly tone. “I’m looking for a sturdy sleigh that will take me to 3 billion households without too many gas stops at Shell.”
“Man, I used to get you and Jesus mixed up all the time growing up! Plus, I used to write letters to you every year! Never heard back, what gives? You busy or somethin’ fat man?” said Will. “Well Kris Kringle, you’re at the right place — the Happy Honda Days Sales Event. Come on over here, I know exactly what you’re looking for and I guarantee you’ll be flying off the lot with your forever sleigh.”
Santa eyed the “used” sleighs section of the dealership and hobbled over to take a look at a modest-looking 2002 Chevrosleigh in his price range. “Can you tell me a bit about this one?”
“Now Saint Nick, I didn’t peg you as a cheap-ass Scrooge! Though I do suppose that’s why my wife got a $10 gift card to Bucca di Beppo instead of a diamond necklace last Christmas, am I right?” Will cackled as he jabbed his elbow into Santa’s gut.
“Who was the previous owner? Did they take care of it?” Santa asked again.
“Was previously used as an Iditarod sleigh. Guy got lost and died of hypothermia, but they were able to save this sucker!” Will patted the cheap sleigh. “About a year ago it was fixed up and rewired to be a magical flying sleigh by some Big Bang Theory computer nerd.”
Santa peered inside the window of the sleigh. “What’s that stain in the back seat?”
“Let’s just say someone on the Naughty List left it,” Will said, slicking back his jet-black hair in the 2002 Chevrosleigh’s side mirror. “Spacious to fit all the Christmas gifts minus a few of the poor families’ gifts. 24/7 Triple E airside elf assistance only the month of December each year. $5,000.”
Santa walked around the economically-priced sleigh, trying to force a smile as he did a full circle. Mrs. Claus would kill him if he didn’t stick to their agreed budget, since they were saving up for a timeshare in Florida. “I’m really liking what I see here, Will. I may just have to fly her home today to the Mrs.”
Will pursed his lips. “Listen, Nick, can I call you Nick? I picture you, someone of your size and authority and if I might add, sex appeal, in something a bit more…bigger, and fancier!” Will said, slinging his arm around Santa’s beefy shoulders. “Come dip your snow boots in this baby.”
Santa’s jaw dropped when Will presented him to the sleigh. It was the 2021 Sleigh SX. He had seen dozens of commercials, and practically had wet dreams of taking it for a Christmas Eve fly around the globe getting sleigh head from Mrs. Claus like they did in their younger days.
Santa sunk himself in and was practically hot chocolate foaming at the mouth. He instantly loved the leather seats. He dreamed of wearing a leather suit of his own, but knew he could never pull it off.
“My, my! This is the Christmas magic I tell all the 8-year-olds who sit on my lap at my shifts at the mall. This sleigh is a Christmas miracle, Will!” Santa said. “Now, how much does it cost?
“Well, it costs about $100,000, which I know Nick, I know, it’s a lot and I don’t know what the North Pole conversion rate is but I can see you frowning behind that quarantine beard, but stay with me here. Think of how fly you’re going to look riding around in this!” Will pleaded.
“I’d have to halve the elves’ salary in order to afford this,” Santa sighed. “It’s simply too much. I can’t consider this. Let’s circle back to the 2002 Chevrosleigh, please.”
Will straightened up and cleared his throat. “Mr. Claus, with all due respect, you’re making a huge mistake by glossing over this beauty.”
Santa began a disciplining “ho, ho, ho,” but got cut off again.
“You bust your ass for one night a year, every year to bring the children of the world toys and love. When’s the last time that someone gifted YOU a shiny new present? When’s the last time YOU received a Christmas gift?” Will’s voice heightened.
Santa pondered this for a moment. The only thing he really got every year was the cookies laid out on Christmas Eve, and all that had done was contribute to his Type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol. “You’re right,” Santa said. In that moment, Santa decided that he needed a pick-me-up, no matter if Mrs. Claus’s timeshare or the elves’ quality of life depended on it. He bought the sleigh, paying Will in the form of gum drops, candy canes, and Bitcoin.
Santa opened the door to his new sleigh and buckled up. “Will? Thanks for all your help. I’ll be sure to put you on the Nice List this year.”
“You got it, big guy.”
“Happy Honda Days to all, and to all a good night!” Santa said, flying off into the evening sky.
Five minutes into his fly, Santa looked down at his dashboard. Suddenly, the check engine light was flashing.
“Jesus Christ!”
