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The Morning Bummer delivers tragic news right to your inbox every morning at 5 a.m.!
Hey friend! We know there’s a lot of bad things happening right now and it’s hard to keep up with everything tragic going on. That’s why the soulless researchers at The Morning Bummer doom scroll the news so you don’t have to. Yas queen, every morning at 5 a.m. before you get out of bed to go to your dead-end job, we’ll give you all the hot topics for the Zoom watercooler talk. Before you give us that email we’ll sell to third party advertisers, we’ll give you a rundown about what we do here and you can make the decision whether we pass the vibe check.
Mass shootings, civil wars, celebrity deaths, oh my! The heartbreaking topics we’ll cover in a newsletter with a tone deaf attitude are truly endless. We know you have a lot to do, whether it’s send your kids to school uncertain if they’ll return home that day or go to an office where they’ve banned vaccinations. That’s why we’ve minimized all stories of tragedies to about 280 characters or less. If you’re short on time, but long on compassion, you’ll love our “Thoughts and Prayers” section. You can automatically tweet ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ and whatever tragedy that’s affecting an American city right from our newsletter. Yep, there’s not a topic that’s too dark or too sad that we won’t cover whether it’s famine, the loss of your human rights, or a new pandemic.
We were founded with one simple mission: “Ruin People’s Day.” It’s what drives our Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists to break down the news, so they can break your soul. Other newsletters that fill up your inbox are only scratching the surface of the atrocities of the world and would try to lighten the mood with a fun GIF or even a cat video. At The Morning Bummer, we found that unacceptable. Our founding editors knew there was an untapped market for turning people into Debbie Downers against their will. Once converted, these sad people continue to search for the issues that will maintain their pessimistic outlooks. It’s a responsibility of every American to be informed, especially when it’s bad stuff and we are willing to put our lives on the line to send you an email, even if an active shooter comes to our office.
In our fast-paced world today, we know you’re being bombarded with tons of other content to the point that it makes you want to abandon your current life and go off the grid, because let’s be honest–that’s the only humanly way possible you’ll ever be able to be happy! That’s why we want to break through the noise. Specifically, the noise of thousands of children in the Berkshire Valley suffering from homelessness, if you read this morning’s newsletter. That’s why we’ll be delivered conveniently right into your Promotions tab where all the other hundreds of mailing lists and shopping promotions go to die. But, you know you’ll click on me anyway–because I’ve got an emoji in my subject line! Even though emojis in subject lines scream “phishing,” you know you’ll just have to click on me because who else is real enough to include a heart-shaped emoji with this subject line:
Can’t get enough of us? We’re also on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and every single other site where we shouldn’t be allowed to have a profile. We pride ourselves on being boots on the ground reporters, so that we are able to give live, in-the-moment, horrific news to our readers every second of the day, to drive them further and further into madness and depression. While you’re trying to go about your day working, spending time with family and friends, and participating in beloved hobbies, we’re trying to target you on every medium to distract you from all the good in the world. Like our value prop states, if you’re not distracted by the news, are you actually living?
So what do you think? Are you ready to become a Bummer? Or even better, if you become a Bummer Premium member, we’ll throw in a free tote bag! Made of 100% cotton, this non-washable, non-recyclable, unethically-manufactured bag has a quirky phrase of your choice screen printed on, like “Did You Hear? This Bag Was Made By A Child Slave In An Underdeveloped Country.” But the fun doesn’t stop there. We want to share the pain! If you refer a friend, a family member, or any person you love or care for to our newsletter, we’ll traumatize them too! So hit that subscribe button, and get ready for your therapy bill to increase!
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