The Waiter At The First Thanksgiving Serves You

Hey pilgrims and pals! Welcome to the Mayflower Restaurant, thank you so much for joining us today. You came on a great day because this restaurant was just created 20 minutes ago. Never before have I seen people with funny hats with buckles on them and personally I think that buckle needs to be below the waist if that’s going to work, honey. Oh, little ol’ pioneer me? I’m Tristan, and I’ll be your waiter tonight, but don’t be concerned, this isn’t my dream job or anything. I’m a starving actor, trying to get cast in one of William Shakespeare’s plays. But enough about me and my longshot of a dream, let me take you where to sit your little behinds and we’ll get this feast started!

Okay, is it anyone’s first time here at the Mayflower? Oh, all of you! Just a little joke, I’m open for comedic roles as well as dramatic, if you want to see my cry on command just let me know. Let me give you a quick little 4–1–1 on how we do things around here. First and foremost, outdoor seating ONLY! Do not ask to eat inside the teepees. People live there and I know you can’t resist taking things that aren’t yours but please wait until after the bill comes. We have plenty of tree stumps to sit on and even more blisters and splinters to get from them too, that’s free of charge. Also I hate that I have to say this, but we ask all patrons to not smoke opium or roll tobacco within 50 feet of this open field. Finally and most importantly, please wash your hands in the river before eating. There have been tons of smallpox outbreaks in the community and because none of us are doctors, we don’t know whether we’ll survive the night. So just dip your hands in the river and hope for the best before eating. Thank you sooooooo much guys!

Okay, wow I’m out of breath from talking because I’m already 15 years old and only have a few years left more or less. Anywho, who’s hungry? We got a feast on our hands, honeys. You’re all in for a treat because you only get one choice. We originally were going to serve steak, but we couldn’t find any cows nearby but we found a turkey galloping by so we quickly pivoted toward that and killed it in front of its whole family. Doubt the turkey idea will stick around, we’ll see. We would have spices but Christopher Columbus stole all of them and took it back to Italy unfortunately. Hope you’re hungry!

Ugh, I’m so sorry, my quill just ran out of ink and either way, I can’t read or write so I didn’t take down y’all’s orders! Did you say you wanted pumpkin or pecan pie for your dessert again? My recommendation is pumpkin since your body might not be exposed to that out-of-this-world, New World flavor that could possibly send your body into shock from a nut allergy.

But I seriously appreciate y’all’s patience, I’m SUCH a mess tonight! It’s been one Holy Hell Fires of a day. I forgot the Santa Maria captain’s ranch, that alone was embarrassing in itself. Then, Jedidiah who almost got burned at the stake the night before setting sail just sent his turkey back for “being too dry.” You know Jedidiah, maybe there’s another reason you were persecuted for your religion! And to top it off, John Carver the new governor of Plymouth Colony himself found an arrow spear in his serving of cranberry sauce. What can I say, I can’t control an angry cook in the kitchen, and to be frank, I don’t blame him — I mean, John’s a politician!

Okay, okay, enough about me, since the food’s here! Yum, doesn’t everything look delicious? Delicioso, as Mr. Columbus would say. Did you know he dined here? We even have a signed photo of him up on this tree! It says “Tristan — thanks for the spices! Hearts, Chris.” But in Italian, of course. Anyway, what are we all thankful for? Well, you know what I’M thankful for? I’m thankful my shift is done in 5 and I can finally put this fat check to use! I’m grabbing a few spots of ale with some busboys near the bow thrusters of the Pinto. Let’s hope I make it to the poop deck by the end of the night.

Alright y’all, how’s everything tasting? Sorry, I totally blanked about the prayer or whatever! If you could all tip 20%, that’d be great, but I’d also be open to receiving timber and fur as payment!



Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at