Celebrating 5 Years of Kapp Stillman Satire

We’re so back.

TODAY IN HISTORY: December 10th, five years ago, marks the day that the greatest and most humble satirists of our time, Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman, met and commenced their writing partnership. Their first meeting took place at the Starbucks inside the Merchandise Mart building in downtown Chicago, and there is a plaque at their usual table honoring them. Dozens make the pilgrimage every year to pay their respects.

Evidence

But on that cold, December day, little did the twosome know that the next 5 years would pose a pandemic of FaceTime editing, many rejections and flop eras, and 112 published satire pieces that only a true friend could quickly scan the headline and say “nice.”

To celebrate, we’re doing a compilation of favorite pieces from the last five years. Enjoy.

Professional as fuck! Both of these photos are 6+ years old.

5 Collective Favorite Pieces:

Psych! We each compiled 10 of our favorite pieces in hopes that there would be some overlap and we could widdle it down but there wasn’t. We’re just such individuals like that! So we decided to each do a top 5.

Emily’s Top 5 Pieces:

5. Welcome to TikTok Dance Rehearsal, I’m Your Instructor, Abby Lee Miller (Little Old Lady, August 2020)

4. I’m A Jeep Owner, And No, I’m Not In A Cult (Little Old Lady, July 2020)

3. It Just Doesn’t “Feel” Like World Naked Gardening Day This Year, You Know? (Robot Butt, April 2020)

2. Dr. Fauci Weighs On How All That Ass Fit In Those Jeans (How Pants Work, September 2020)

1.I’m The Screaming Baby On An Airplane — It’s A Tough Crowd Here (Points in Case, July 2021)

Daniel’s Top 5 Pieces:

5. It’s Time We Start Talking About President Trump (Points in Case, October 2020)

4. Sam’s Club Hazing Rites of Passage for New Membership Holders (Robot Butt, May 2020)

3. HR Pulls Your Kid In For a Performance Improvement Plan on Take Your Child to Work Day (McSweeney’s, April 2024)

2. Subscribe To Our Morning Newsletter To Read The Saddest Things Possible From The Past 24 Hours (Slackjaw, September 2022)

1.For Our Wedding, Please Buy Us Useless Kitchen Shit Off Our Registry (Points in Case, September 2023)

So there it is, folks! If you care about either of us at all you’ll read every single one of the above. Or while you’re at it, read our entire compiled works, which you can find pretty much at Emily’s website, here. And to be fair, here’s Daniel’s portfolio, too. We are only ever fair here at Kapp Stillman Satire!

If you’re still here, though, I guess we can put together some other firsts and best of’s? Might as well? Well, then let us stroll down memory lane…

First Piece Ever:

The story is as old as time: writing for the same satire publication in college (The Black Sheep), connecting online (LinkedIn), and then finally meeting in person to absolutely TURN THE SATIRE WORLD UPSIDE DOWN. When we first decided to collaborate, Emily was fresh off writing Jesus satire stuff. Daniel was go with the flow. So we wrote a Jesus satire article. I would link it here, but I’m still getting access to it in the archives. Will report back, folks! I know you’re all really anxious to revisit it! For now, I’ll put a snippet of a screenshot of it from our drive.

Our first piece. We’re so proud to say we are sponsored by Google Docs!

First McSweeney’s Piece:

I’m The String Lights In Your Room, And No, You Don’t Have Your Life Together (McSweeney’s, May 2020)

This was a big deal for us! We got our acceptance the literal day the world shut down for the pandemic and it wasn’t published for a couple months because of all the other topical pieces being published. Despite a world pandemic, we got cocky since we got our acceptance within 3 months of writing together. We didn’t get another one from McSweeney’s for another four years. Haha. Fingers crossed we get our third acceptance sometime in 2028!

Best of Holiday:

Something about us? We fucking love doing a themed piece. Yeah, that’s right. So here’s all of them:

Valentine’s Day:

Son, Don’t Use One of My 217 Shoeboxes From My Sneaker Collection For Your Valentine’s Box (Slackjaw, February 2024)

Cupid Overshares On an Axe-Throwing First Date (Little Old Lady, February 2023)

Thoughtful, Non-Sexual, Platonic Customized Mugs to Gift Your Therapist This Valentine’s Day (Robot Butt, February 2023)

Valentine’s Day Has Lost Its Original Purpose: Raw Dogging (By: St. Valentine) (Weekly Humorist, February 2021)

Exclusive Interview With Cupid, The Baby, and Cupid from “The Cupid Shuffle” (Self-published, February 2020)

Hi, I’m Cupid, Will Somebody Shoot An Arrow In My Ass For Once? (Little Old Lady, February 2020)

Halloween:

Ending My Toxic Relationship With a 7-Year-Old Trick-Or-Treater (Slackjaw, October 2024)

Spirit Halloween Asks Greenview Plaza If It Can Crash at Their Abandoned Storefront for a Bit (Slackjaw, October 2022)

Why Don’t Any Of You Dumb Nuts Understand My Minimalist Halloween Costume? (Self-published, October 2021)

This Week’s Pumpkin Obituaries (Little Old Lady, October 2020)

Thanksgiving:

Are You At a Turkey Trot 5K or Getting High On a Cousin Walk Before Thanksgiving Dinner? (Weekly Humorist, November 2024)

The Final Diary Entries From The Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon (Weekly Humorist, November 2022)

The Waiter at the First Thanksgiving Serves You (Self-published, November 2021)

Thanksgiving Stage Notes For Racist Uncles (How Pants Work, November 2020)

Christmas:

Santa’s 9–1–1 Transcripts (Weekly Humorist, December 2023)

If Santa Were An Influencer (Slackjaw, December 2022)

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children (Weekly Humorist, December 2022)

Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers (Points in Case, December 2021)

Santa Visits the Happy Honda Days Sales Event (Self-published, December 2020)

Other:

April Fool’s Pranks For Fancy Boys (Weekly Humorist, April 2023)

I’m Fireworks and I Don’t Like Being Around When You Make Out (Self-published, July 2022)

Other Great Presidents That Have Yet to Be Honored On President’s Day (Self-published, February 2022)

Best of Politics:

Something ELSE about us? We loveeee politics. Stirring the pot? Taking a stand? Saying what everyone else is THINKING but too afraid to say aloud, or better yet, in writing published on the internet forever leaving a digital footprint? That’s got our names written all over it.

The U.S. Begs England to Take Them Back (Points In Case, July 2024)

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than an “I Voted” Sticker (Weekly Humorist, November 2022)

It’s The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks In at At Charlie Brown’s Vape Shop (Weekly Humorist, April 2022)

I Just Think an NBA Player Is A More Talented Russian Hostage Than An WNBA One (Robot Butt, April 2022)

Back In My Day, I Had To Walk 5 Miles Uphill in the Snow To Get COIVD-Tested When the Nurse Did It For You (Slackjaw, March 2022)

Introducing VaxPass, The Pass That Lets You Skip The Vaccine Line (Slackjaw, January 2021)

Getting To Know Your Middle School Government Candidates (Points In Case, November 2020)

Take Me Back To When It Was Okay to Cough In Other People’s Mouths (Robot Butt, November 2020)

Now’s Not The Time to Bring Up The Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right? (Points In Case, July 2020)

Hi, I’m the COVID-19 Testing Kit, And Celebrities Are Just More Important. There, I Said It. (Funny-ish, April 2020)

Most Read Piece of Medium:

Please clap. (but actually)

Introducing VaxPass, The Pass That Lets You Skip The Vaccine Line

Other Shit We’ve Done:

The fun DOES NOT stop here folks. We’ve done other stuff, you heard it here first.

Contribution to Robot Butt’s Halloween 2022 Print Anthology:

We are NOT just on the internet folks. You can get a print version of our writing! We contributed our piece “The Best and Worst Places To Haunt In 2022: Glassdoor Reviews” in Robot Butt’s Halloween print anthology, “Halloween Compendium of Terror,” which is on Amazon for purchase! We know many of you have surely loved one of our pieces so much that you’ve already printed it out and hung up in your home, but this is a bit more special.

Live Reading for Little Old Lady in 2020:

We did a LIVE (aka Zoom) reading of our piece “This Week’s Pumpkin Obituaries” a few years back. We were very nervous but we DID THE DAMN THING.

If you want to watch us shine on the virtual stage, you can find the video here. We’re around the 34-ish minute mark.

Sappy Shit:

Emily here! I just wanted to say that it’s been great having Daniel as a writing partner and I’m extremely proud of our consistency and being as prolific as we are. Not a lot of duos last as long as we have and I’m thankful to not only have you as my writing partner but also as a great friend. Cheers to another five years!

Daniel, can you write something nice about me to include? I’ll leave some space below for you to add. Thanks! -Emily

Thanks everyone! See you in another 5 years for our “Celebrating 10 Years of Kapp Stillman Satire.”